Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
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Author note: I wrote this in February 2013. Interesting, because it is now 10 years later and I am still #singleAF as the kids say.
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Dating can be fun but is mostly confusing. I have learned many things, though. For example, I learned that you shouldn't drink at all on the first couple of dates because you will miss a lot of important things. And pay attention if a guy wears sunglasses a lot. He could be hiding something, like a serious case of lazy eye. How did I not notice this? It was probably the Pinot Grigio. Now before you say, "Elaine, that is just mean," read on. He was not exactly Prince Charming.
You might be tempted to drink to calm the nerves and get over the first date jitters, but resist the temptation, because you will start to really like the person. He was fairly intelligent with a good sense of humor and good taste in music. So I got my hopes up and thought--as I frequently did in these times--"Yay! We found a winner!" It usually took me three dates to figure out what I assumed most people would see at first glance. I tend to be very picky so I was trying to not be so picky and be more open-minded but after this, I realized I should go back to being picky. See? Confusing. On the third date, I noticed that what I initially thought was a 5 or 6 was actually maybe a 2. Wine will do that to you.
Then I questioned myself, wondering if I was just being shallow. After all, looks are not the most important thing. But this was just too much. As Date #3 continued and I tried to make eye contact but could not because one eye was traveling westward and one wandering eastward, I realized I just couldn't do it. But that's not even the whole story.
He was incredibly tedious and indecisive in everything and very cheap. (What's that sound? Ah, yes, it's the sound of panties dropping) We went to Publix to buy a bottle of wine after dinner (a dinner I made, by the way. Why do women try so hard? On the third date??) and he grabs three bottles of wine. I'm thinking, "OK, he wants to take a couple bottles back home with him. He's stocking up." He puts them on the belt and stands off to the side, clearly expecting me to pay for all of them. I must add that he did make little comments from time to time about making sure I wasn't a "gold-digger" and that he was looking for a "sugar-momma." I paid for one bottle of wine and told him to put the rest back. He acted like I was over-reacting. I'm like, "No, we came for one bottle. I can't buy three." Oh, and I forgot to mention that he would never open doors but would actually stand back and wait for me to open them for him. Bizarre. I'm a modern woman and all, but really?
On the second date, he told me how mysterious and alluring I was, how I was so different from any other woman he dated. Please. Are we in high school? He claimed to understand women so much better than other men. He just didn't understand why women were so flaky. They would lead him on then let him down. Maybe it was because they realized what a weirdo you were, but anyway. He, in his grand narcissism, called it "buyer's remorse." He worked this into almost every conversation we had.
Suffice it to say, I did not see him again.
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Another author's note May 21, 2023: In the last 10 years, I've been in two serious relationships. Other than that, I have dated many men like the one described above and worse. At the age of 42, I have now accepted being single and am living life to the fullest, enjoying friends, family, animals, and so incredibly grateful to be doing work I love. Not being married and having kids does not mean I have failed. It doesn't happen for everyone and maybe that is because it is not meant for everyone: some of us have another purpose in life, passions that take up all our time and energy. It's refreshing to know that we are not in control of our lives as much as we think. Whatever is meant for you will find you. Stop fighting it and be happy.
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