Carousel

My heart beats
like a bowl of sloppy Jell-O
in the back of a beat up pick up truck
Soldiering on with little hope but

chugging along just the same

A red wet mess of arteries and cables

and networks and chambers

All that we trust can be taken away

in a flick of a switch, a pull of a plug, a

-wait for it –

beat of a heart, a snap of the fingers.

I'm 32 and it's too soon

I beg the dusty white popcorn ceiling:

Just one more chance.

I held my sister's hand

We laughed, holding the cavity-causing-crunchy-when-wet

airy sugary surprise in your choice

of sweet baby blue or innocent pink

The luscious cute smell of caramel apples

mingle with greasy gross corndogs

Her yellow curls

sparkle under the flashing candy lights of the carousel

Golden, glittery orbs set fire to her blue eyes

reflecting the pink and green horses

smiling as they go around,
a permanent state of carefree joy their only job

Her high silly giggles pierce the late night air

with youthful ferocity,

no knowledge of the silvery knife that slices a heart in love

a heart rejected, ripped out, tossed aside

no fathoming of a cold bed in an empty room

surrounded by machines and bags of fluid

Helpless to save her from a world that

will rain down upon her like jagged glass

and change her laughter from high to low, silly to cynical

White trembling, almost translucent, hand over my heart

Slowing like a train pulling into the station, sluggish pull

lumbering motion, the weight of inertia dragging the passengers'

weary overworked bodies to a grueling –

Just when I think it will 
- stop - 

It moves slower, slower

Stretch and pull the fan string, watching, waiting for it to 
- stop - 

It lumbers, laboriously slow, a creeping, teasing near-motion

Stare and wait but is it still moving?

The only way to tell is to reach up and touch the dusty blades

But that stops it

2014